Steve Smith, David Warner to be given fast-track at Home Affairs to become South Africans

Source: The Citizen, 01/04/2018

Home Affairs Minister Gigaba believes the fallen Australian heroes have
all the character traits this country needs.
Following the recent scandal around ball tampering involving the
disgraced former captain Steve Smith and vice-captain David Warner of
Australia, Home Affairs Minister Malusi Gigaba announced on Sunday that
both batsmen had applied to become South Africans and he would fast-
track their applications personally.
The minister said that, given his history with characters like the
Guptas, assisting the controversial sportsmen in this way was only
logical and consistent with his record as a public official.
“These gentleman are awesomely talented and, since Australia doesn’t
want them to play for them any more, they would be a great asset to
local cricket here in South Africa, especially since Hashim Amla hasn’t
made a century for quite some time. It would be great to see Warner
opening the batting for South Africa at the upcoming World Cup,” he
said, reading from a Sahara Computers laptop that promptly stopped
working.
Shortly after showing the press gathered at a media briefing in
Pretoria his unbelievably high Candy Crush score, he continued reading
off his iPad.
“It’s high time that South Africa stops exporting all our players to
all these other countries and helping them to win World Cups. Now is
the time to break the trend and involve people who know how to win, no
matter what.
“Smith and Warner have higher-grade understanding of what it takes to
conquer the opposition â€` for example, here in South Africa we don’t
know what roughness of sandpaper to buy at Builders Warehouse in order
to ensure optimal performance. This is the kind of know-how that only
these Australians will be able to teach us.”
“Furthermore, Warner and Smith owe it to South Africa to make amends.
This is the best thing I can imagine for all concerned, given the
circumstances.”
When contacted for comment, both Warner and Smith expressed dismay at
the prospect that they might become Proteas, but were grateful for the
opportunity to keep experimenting in real-world situations with the
atmospheric physics of Kookaburras.
April Fool’s! Obviously.